What If: The Truth Behind the Surrender
A few months ago, I shared a blog post on Letting Go and Letting God handle your battles. I mentioned how liberating it is to hand your worries to God and how beautiful life can be when you no longer allow your fears or desire for control to control you. To be clear, I still believe and recognize this to be a valid experience, given the items I’ve released to God.
Then a friend of mine hit me with the realistic side of life: it’s hard to give up control. Won’t you still worry? How do you truly release those desires?
I responded to her questions: no it’s not easy, at all. Yes, you will still worry, but you must continue to pray and actively give those desires to God. Little did I know that I would have to fully practice what I preached.
A week later, I noticed I had some physical changes: achy stomach, sore breasts, and a late period. I figured, my typically precise cycle must be off by a few days. But I decided to tell my husband and take a test later that day. I took the test, not even considering it a possibility to be positive. Y’all, that big fat plus sign popped up so fast! Pregnant.
I called my hubby into the bathroom to look at the test. He was immediately excited, hugging me, thanking God. But wait, why should we be excited? This wasn’t planned. What if it’s a false positive? What if it’s real, but we lose it like the last one? What if, what if, what if.
The what if’s hindered me from being initially excited for this blessing. I refused to celebrate until we made an appointment with the doctor to confirm. That test confirmed the news: pregnant. We only told our immediate family, and they were ecstatic. I flashed my winning smile, but in the back of my mind, the what if’s kept my thoughts swirling. My mother shared this beautiful prayer for us to speak over our little one each day. And I still worried.
Each medical appointment further solidified this little blessing’s existence and healthy development. We had our first ultrasound to see this little Nugget: strong heartbeat, normal development, waving its arms and legs at us. I cried tears of joy, thanking God for this little miracle. My baby is there, is real, and is strong. Then I begin to worry again. The dog pressed on my stomach; what if… I ate that; what if… We lost our first during this time, what if…
I slowly began to share the news with more family and close friends, still hesitant and ignoring that nagging feeling of what if. At 10 weeks gestation, I was scrolling through pictures on my phone and noticed a photo I had taken of my bloated, pregnant belly. I then looked at the timestamp: that photo was taken a month prior. I remembered how nervous I was when I snapped that picture. It had been 6 weeks since I learned of my pregnancy, and those 6 weeks were filled with my concern over my pregnancy and fear of the worse. I hadn’t enjoyed a second of it.
Later that evening, I went to my Give it God jar and poured out the slips of paper. I sorted through them until I found the one: Pregnancy. A healthy, full term pregnancy with safe delivery of a healthy, happy child. A happy pregnancy. Didn’t I give this to God for Him to handle? Didn’t I agree to release this worry and this desire for control? Why isn’t it as easy as I had hoped it to be? I realized that my constant worrying was making this experience a miserable one and preventing me from truly surrendering my all to God.
It was the wake-up call I needed. I was reminded of Philippians 4:6-7 and Joshua 1:9. I didn’t need to worry about it any longer. All I needed to do was thank God for this blessing and take care of myself; He will handle the rest. I asked God to forgive me for doubting His will for me. I asked Him to remove the fear and worry from my heart; to clear my own racing mind and fill me with joy. I asked Him to help me be the mother He designed me to be. I agreed to again, give this worry to Him.
So to truly answer my friend’s question: no, it is not easy to relinquish control to God. In fact, it’s quite hard. There are days where you are full of doubt and the desire to handle it all in your own way. Those days aren’t the best and typically cause more confusion and issues. But then there are the days when you are reminded that you are a child of God and He will care for you (1 Peter 5:7). Those days are beautiful and free.
I can choose to wallow in doubt and fear, worried on the what if’s. Or I can choose joy and know the what if’s can have a positive ending. What if this child grows up to help a community? What if this child finds a cure to a medical condition? What if this child positively changes someone’s life?
God gives us free will, and I choose to continue to trust in Him and allow Him to maneuver this life for me. I implore you to give your worries to Him. Give Him your life. Just know, when you surrender your life to Him, your plans become His plans…and that might include a baby!
Now, look at my baby bump, y’all!
-KP, Rainbow Mama